The sex toys review.

Disclaimer: this could be TMI and not for the faint hearted, or maybe it is. I apologise in advance for any second hand cringe or embarassment. I can’t believe I’m putting this out there but here goes.

Well it’s almost 14th Feb, time for schmalentines. And if you’re like me and spending yet another year of singlehood, it’s time for some self-lovin’.

My close friends and I, despite our limited experience, have always been open about our sexual interests, fantasies and experiences. My best friend and I have probably discussed anal way back when we were 18 or 19 (white people be like what, we knew that at 13).

Outside of that tiny world, I don’t think there’s ever a comfortable space that I’ve seen brown people talk openly about sex, because we, especially girls are taught to repress our sexuality and if we do express our sexuality, we’re sluts.

We never had the sex talk, we never will. So, here’s a little sex-ed from one brown girl to another.

Over the last year, I’ve gotten a little savvy with sex toys and such. Check me out lol. I’ve only dabbled in a few of these toys but folx, there’s a whole world out there whether you’re single or with a partner, the sex toy industry is one of the most creative industries I must say. Just spend a night scrolling through Lelo, LoveHoney, thy eyes shall be opened.

Let’s get going 😉

First things first, sex toys don’t magically give you an orgasm.

When you read forums or blogs, people talk about getting an orgasm in two minutes or whatever ridiculous time, and then you start to think if something’s wrong with you. Initially when I tried these toys, I did get frustrated and annoyed and concluded them to be a money-making scam.

You can get an orgasm in 2 minutes if you’re in the zone, just like any other sexual experience. You can’t just force it to happen. You’re using a machine but you’re not a machine.

The first rule is to really get in the mood.

Because of the unethical nature of porn, I started to explore erotic literature and boy they can turn you on — especially if you have certain fantasies you’ve thought about. Have a browse and there will be something for you.

Some people take it to the next level with candles and silk sheets and what not but my lazy ass cannot be bothered but if those things do it for you, try it!

Right so, now that you’re in the mood, whip out the toys to amplify the experience.

Here’re four of the many female sex toys out there and they mainly target the vagina. There is a whole host of toys targeting other areas that could be aroused like the nipples but I’ve not gone that far down this rabbit hole. But who knows if this lockdown life gets any longer, I might. Anywho.

This is the first toy I ever tried, thanks to my best friend who was doing me favours during the dry spell lol.

When it arrived, I thought wow this is bigger than I thought, definitely not something to shove up my vagina. I had to google to understand what it was and how it works. The wands are known for their ginormous size. It’s essentially designed to vibrate and stimulate your clitoris externally and give you an orgasm — and you can do that in a lazy position by just lying on your back.

I’ve tried it a number of times but it doesn’t quite do it for me. Maybe it’s the mere size of it, its just something cumbersome to hold and use and doesn’t quite stimulate the clitoris as I would like.

But girls, this does wonders during period days. For some reason the vibrations through your pad, panties and pyjamas are a lot more stimulating than direct skin contact. I now use this method to relief period cramps.

You know how they say masturbation and sex during periods can help relief period pain but the thought of it is just so gross. This is clean and easy, no murder scene to clean up after.

I’ve also most recently started to use it as a massage gun. A friend was showing their massage gun for a football injury and I went hang on this works like my wand. I tried it for this shoulder pain I’ve been having, doesn’t solve the problem but it helps relief the pain.

There you go, The Wand, Pain Reliever.

I got the Satisfyer some time last year after reading a Facebook group thread where so many girls were just raving about it. These girls were saying how they had never orgasmed but were now getting orgasms quicker and coming more than once. It was Boxing Day and it was on sale for 20 pounds and I was like I’mma try and see what the fuss is all about.

The principle behind the Satisfyer is the same as The Wand in which it stimulates your clit. But, unlike the wand, this is designed specifically to fit over your clit, not this large mass that you sort of position your vulva and labia over.

The Satisfyer release air pressure pulses with varying speeds and patterns to stimulate your clitoris. The first few times I tried it, I couldn’t quite get the hang of it. But then I realised I was just forcing myself to feel that orgasm all these girls were talking about; I wasn’t in the mood.

If you arouse yourself enough and get into that kinky mood, whatever all these girls say, so true, works like magic and it knocks you off into deep sleep as well.

So if you’re having trouble sleeping, Satisfy with the Satisfyer and good night, sweet dreams, mmhhmm.

This purchase was a result of sexual frustration lol. I got it to lose my virginity myself, as I discussed in a previous post, and overcome that mental and technically physical barrier ( the hymen).

This was 5 pounds off Amazon, battery operated — because I am cheap. The quality is everything you’d expect from 5 pounds — it has a plastic smell but actually feels rather real. I tried this first without any batteries because the thought of batteries in your body is a little odd and scary. It took a while for me to get it in lol, because it is thick, and you really need to relax your muscles and loosen up ;). With dildos like these, you probably ease it in — you get a little bit in and then you slowly work your way down. You might also want to try different positions.

It took me a good few months to loosen up and actually enjoy using it because initially I was just trying to force it in.

More recently, I decided to try them with the batteries. Funnily, the vibrations make it easier for this to slide through coz they help relax your vaginal/pubic muscles vibrations.

Defs my most value for money investment for amount of pleasure.

Now this was a treat to myself — because I deserve it and all that. Plus January/Valentines sales. I’ve heard a lot about Lelo and how they design sex toys based on science, body and the material etc.

You know how the battery thing was scary for me, most sex toys these days are USB charged which makes it more environmentally friendly and safe I guess.

This has to be the most luxurious thing I’ve ever gotten — from the packaging to what it looks like. Like honestly:

So, the rabbit attempts to deliver a double orgasm. As you can see from the picture there are two parts: The long bit or the “Penis” that penetrates and stimulates your G-spot and the small bit, let’s call it “micropenis” for jokes, that stimulates your clitoris.

Unlike “ The Dick” this was so much easier to slide through because it has this curved shape and that soft silicon finish. It’s way easier to handle as well. There are like a hundred different vibration patterns and speed settings and after a while you know which one gets you. I was initially taken aback by the metal sides because they feel like they would hurt but they actually provide a good grip in your canal.

The thing that doesn’t quite work is the double orgasm promise. Because when you have the “penis” inside, the “micropenis” doesn’t quite fit on your clitoris for you to stimulate two things at once. Or maybe I just am not talented enough for this.

This is relatively more effort to clean than the others because there are bends between the metal and the silicon and you know fluids. But it’s not that hard — just something to be more aware of if you’re a bit OCD like me.

That said, I definitely enjoy this more than “The Dick” because it’s easier and you can play around with different vibration settings and explore what gets you. I use this in combination with “ The Sucker” to create a bit of foreplay and real action because that’s how sad I am. But hey, at least I’m feeling myself.

As Rupi Kaur said, masturbation is meditation.

And these words couldn’t be truer. Sometimes you get too tired to do anything but you can’t sleep or get enough rest, these things help me and knock me right off; alongside erotic lit but yea (what’s melatonin?).

Happy Galentines, Schmalentines and Valentines for those who have lovely partners and might want to bring toys to the bedroom this weekend 😏